I am embarrassed to admit this, but I am addicted to video games. Since I was a child, I have spent too much time in front of a screen. Be that to binge-watch my favorite shows, catch up on youtube content, or peruse social media. However, the most engaging and perhaps the most harmful activity I have partaken in involving these screens, has been gaming.
When I was in high school, video games were an outlet for my depression when I couldn’t be on the football field. They were a way to maintain a social life without having to step outside of my own home. They were a way to live a life that I was unable to live or unwilling to pursue, and a way to vent frustration in the form of fictional violence or achieve satisfaction through objective based problem-solving.
The main reason I have always liked games is due to the competition. In these games, I aim to be the best that I can be against people in an online platform. I have never had the drive to finish a storyline, or follow a plot; only to beat other people and show them that I am better. It is a competitive toxicity that can never be achieved as there will always be someone who can spend more time playing, or is more naturally gifted at the game than I am.
In high school, it was call of duty. In college, it was madden. After graduation, it was Fortnite. Now, it is League of Legends. There has always been a game, there has always been a challenge, and there has always been a game to fall back on and that drive to succeed. I am now taking a step back and realizing that over the course of the last 6 months that drive, when utilized on video games, has become unhealthy.
I noted this originally in March, and took a step back for lent. I took 40 days off, and even during that time, I ended my streak of time away from games every Sunday to binge League of Legends for up to 12 hours. Now, I have been back to spending my free time on the computer, wasting away as I compete to climb the ranks of the League of Legends system. I have played over 650 games in less than 5 months of time, in total, accounting for about a 14 full days of game play. This isn’t including time spent watching tutorials, watching streamers to learn tips, or spending time on reddit to engage with people who share my drive.
This week, I finally hit my goal: move from the bottom of the ladder to the Gold ranking. To those of you who don’t play, this is around the top 43% of players in the multiplayer system. This means that while I was still not “good” at the game, I was getting better than the bottom .09% of users I had started in. Once I hit that goal, I was overcome with this shame for having spent so much time, all of which I will never get back, to achieve something that ultimately had grown into job for me. I had spent hours upon hours trying to fill a void within myself with this game and, as it turns out, the void had only grown bigger the more time I spent playing.
Now some will say, if you had fun, then it wasn’t time wasted. Well, anyone who has played League of Legends and tried to climb can tell you: most of us don’t even have that much fun. It is fun to win, but it can be irritating as all hell to fall a rank, or to lose due to bad teammates. Nonetheless, my point is that as much fun as I had, I lost track of meaningful aspects of my life.
The most important aspect of my life which I had lost, was my social connection. I haven’t posted on Propositivity for months, I haven’t committed as much time to keeping up with friends, and I have cut social engagements short because I am either too tired from binging games the night before, or I am trying to leave early to play more games. This post is to say that those days are over.
Similar to alcohol, I am quitting League of Legends, hopefully for good. If I feel there is a time when I feel healthy enough to play again, I may go back, but for now, I am spending time to work on me. It is absolutely true that this is an addiction, and I am 100% committed to focusing on the underlying causes as I have before. The root of this addiction ultimately is a lack of purpose and drive in my day-to-day which has left a void that I now aim to fill.
In the immediate meantime, my purpose is going to be to shift my focus from gaming, to reaching out and seeing old friends. I am going to focus on finishing some projects that I have been working on, and I am going to get back into the habit of writing for Propositivity. I have many things that I have been doing, or that I plan to do, and now I should be able to have the time to achieve my goals.
To anyone out there who is as focused on gaming as I am and have been, please feel free to reach out. I am here for anyone when it comes to addiction or even limiting of games or substances. I personally have found comfort in the reddit thread:
https://www.reddit.com/r/StopGaming/
I found that Reddit was the place that I felt most comfortable sharing my story as it is anonymous, and is a large part of the “gamer culture”. This has been the most helpful source of support for me thus far. I encourage others to use this site, although it can be toxic at times, and encourage you to seek help from a medical professional as well. I have also begun to seek professional help and am now seeing a new psychiatrist.
This post is the beginning of a movement towards a more healthy lifestyle, involving building myself up, and working to apply the drive that I had in gaming, towards my career and life goals. I will let you know how things are going and will work to get back in the swing of running an active and helpful site in Propositivity.
The last thing I wish to say is that, amidst all of this, I have also been fairly busy as I have switched companies within my current role, and have been working on a few other projects. I am proud to say that I will have some announcements soon regarding those goals and that there has been progress in other aspects of my life despite this time-waste. I appreciate everyone for their support and I am here for anyone who may need me. As always, stay positive, and work towards making a better life for yourself. My work towards my better life started years ago, and it won’t end here.
Gene Grella
Propositivity
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