Mary – 23, BPD, Anxiety
Borderline Personality Disorder is often viewed as mysterious in psychological culture. Many people keep quiet about this disorder because there are so many stigmas surrounding it; however, most people with Borderline Personality Disorder are highly empathetic, thoughtful, and loving. Regardless of our representation in media, we are not heartless seductresses. We are people.
Many people with Borderline Personality Disorder have a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. Many people who have this disorder have traumatic pasts, where those they trusted took advantage of them or left them. Because of this, people who are untreated (as I once was) often go to extreme measures to avoid abandonment. I face constant fear that my loved ones will disappear or turn their backs on me. This thought used to impact the way I interacted with people; I would be desperate for connection, and the easiest form of connection to make was sexual connection. I would feel secure when people seemed sexually interested in me, and because of this, I would act alluring towards those I wanted in my life.
This created clear complications in my relationships with many people. Through DBT and EMDR (two forms of psychological treatment), I have learned to manage my fear. I have learned to interact with those around me in a healthy way, and I recently began learning to trust those in my life who deserve it. I have learned to communicate about my fear in a way that does not hurt others, and I have learned when it is appropriate to communicate about my fear; however, the fear of abandonment is still constantly there, and managing it is a major part of my everyday life.
Many people with Borderline Personality Disorder are also keenly aware of change. If my partner hesitates even a moment longer than he normally does when he tells me he loves me too, my mind starts cycling, trying to assess the situation and figure out why this change has occurred. If my mom slightly raises an eyebrow while she listens to my stories about work, I speed backwards through every word I said to find what could’ve made her upset. Sometimes, this awareness is a virtue. I am able to read situations well when something is actually going wrong, but I often take these subtle social cues too seriously, delving deep into problems that are actually nonexistent. Needless to say, it is exhausting.
I have learned to give people the benefit of the doubt, trusting that if they have something to say, they will say it. For years, I would try to pull the truth out of people, but I’ve learned that if someone wants to be honest with you, they will be, and vice versa. Managing my reactions to these subtle social cues is a major part of my everyday life as well.
If you want to support someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, the greatest thing you can offer them is patient communication. Often times, it will take many repetitions to process what someone says to me. Not because I can’t hear them, or I can’t understand them, but because I assess every word, every possible meaning, until I can really understand what they are trying to communicate. If you are talking to me and I ask you to repeat yourself, I wasn’t ignoring you; I just need another chance to process what you’ve said. If I ask for clarification, I am not accusing you of miscommunicating, I just need help ruling out possible interpretations of what you’ve said. Another thing you can offer someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is reassurance. My happiest moments are when people tell me they care about me. To this day, I remember a moment when one of my professors gave me a hug and told me they were proud of me, and I hold that memory close to my heart. When I feel terrified about abandonment, I recall moments like these to ground myself. Quick positive affirmations from those I care about greatly improve my ability to cope with my disability.
Living healthily with Borderline Personality Disorder takes constant effort and mindfulness, but it is part of who I am. Because of my disability, I love deeply and completely, and that is part of me I would never want to change. I have learned to accept my disability, manage my symptoms, and share my endless love with those around me.