Anonymous Online Submission – Male, 23: Anxiety, Depression, Over-Eating
One Day At A Time
Before anxiety and depression hit I was living a generally smooth life for a teenager. Yeah I would have ups and downs but there was really not much to complain about. I had a family and group of friends that cared about me, I did well in school, I spent a lot of time playing sports and video games, and basically had the most predictable childhood for a kid growing up in a suburban, middle class home. I am still blessed enough to have held on to my loving family and tight-knit group of friends. But along the way, through high school to my now 23 year old self, something inside me changed and my head has not been the same since.
My issues hit me like a brick wall in April of 2013, one month before graduating high school. My girlfriend and I split after 3 years and 8 months because she was interested in someone else. She had accepted the fact that I was going off to college, she had another year of high school left, and long distance wouldn’t work. I was so committed to making it work that I didn’t apply to some schools that I was truly interested in due to distance from her. One school that I truly would have liked to attend, I was wait-listed at. I never replied to reserve my spot on a list. I was ready to give up everything for this girl who was ready to move on, and it shattered me.
To be fair to her, a lot of it was my own doing. Obviously the cheating and lying about cheating I can’t level with, but I created some of my issues in my own head. I saw myself for the most part as an underdog; I wasn’t the smartest, or the most athletic, or the most in-shape of my friends. I have always been overweight, more-so now than ever. But despite all the mediocrity I saw within myself, I was with this girl that I thought was incredible. Maybe I was not the smartest, or the most athletic, or most fit, but as long as I had her, it felt that I must be doing something right. Everyone from friends to strangers would joke with me that she was way too beautiful for me, and I believed them. In fact, I wore it as a badge of honor that I could be with a girl like that. So when all of that came crumbling down, so did my confidence.
After the break up I did nothing to help myself. I was so invested in this girl as my only source of confidence and happiness that I could never let it go. I tried to fight for her when she was more interested in someone new, which led to me second guessing everything about myself. Was she really just out of my league? Was I not charming enough, or funny enough, or whatever enough to be with a girl like that? Will I never be with anyone else like that again?
All of my effort to be with her was for nothing, and I did not take it well. I began burning myself with a lighter and a paperclip. Whenever I got so worked up about her my heart would race, my head would cloud, and I didn’t want to do anything besides scream. Touching hot metal to my skin worked in ending what I now know were anxiety attacks. Now five years later, my body still showing too many scars, I wish I had known there were better ways to cope.
Life went on around me but I was convinced mine was done. I was so convinced that on June 28th of that year I tried taking my own like by overdosing on over-the-counter medication. When I think back on this day I go back and forth, sometimes thinking it was just a cry for help. Why else would I end up telling a friend what I was doing? Did I really think a friend who cares about me and has been trying to help me get through this would just accept what I was doing? She didn’t, and my parents found out and took me to the hospital.
The next five days were spent in a rehabilitation ward for people suffering from mental health problems. I cannot to this day put into words how those few days changed me. It isn’t like the people working in the hospital performed surgery and got the depression out of my body because it is still very much there. And the problems about the girl never fully went away, because she came back into my life in college once the other guy left her hanging like she did to me, and I welcomed her back, and she left me hanging a few months after that. But it never stung like the first one did. I think I learned to appreciate the people who care for me more. I think if I ever sunk that low again I would never try to end my life again because of what it would do to my family and friends. They were there to pick me up when I didn’t want to go on, and now I want to keep going for them.
The years following these events, I struggled to rebuild my confidence. I’d eat fast food and junk food to comfort me when I get down, and then get down because I didn’t like the way I look. This spiral landed me two college semesters where I refused to go to class but was too embarrassed to tell anyone what I was going through. I took a mental health withdrawal the second time around and took a year off to clear my head. I worked full-time during my time off and thought it would be different returning to school after some time off. It wasn’t, I had a third semester of wasted time, and now I am not sure where my life needs to turn. I have told myself my plan is to take an indefinite leave from college. If I put a timeframe on when I want to return and complete my degree I will only put pressure on myself. As level-headed of a decision as it is I can’t help but struggle every single day, thinking in the back of my mind I may never graduate college. I never saw my life taking this turn, and accepting it is a battle I was never prepared for. I thought I would graduate on time in 2017 and be working a serious job right now. Instead, I am washing dishes at a BBQ restaurant, trying to take each day one at a time.
I think my next step is learning to build confidence in myself. The obvious way to start is by living healthier. I have not thought about stepping on a scale in months because I am afraid of what I will see. My eating habits are abysmal and my exercise habits are nonexistent. At 23 years old my knees, ankles, and feet feel like they could give up on me at any moment. I know what it is I have to do; I just don’t know if I have what it takes to make these changes in my life. I am looking up the side of a cliff I have to scale, and I guess I just need to take it one day at a time.
— Letter to the writer:
This post is amazing because it is not only so easy to relate to, but so raw and emotional. Your submission is a testament to the true problems that result from depression and anxiety. We want you to know and understand that you are a truly great person regardless of how you see yourself. These words will help others to relate to your story, and to continue fighting this daily fight against their illnesses. You are so strong for sharing this and for being willing to open up. We believe that you can change your life and we will help you do so any way we can. Thank you so much.
Propositivity has already reached out to this person and will be continuing reaching to help them continue their treatment.
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